I join my friend Daniel J. Segura on his newish podcast The Moustachioed Podcastio for a discussion-in-depth of 1981’s star-studded road-race movie The Cannonball Run. We had an uproarious good time recording this and hope you’ll enjoy it, even the part where I do a bad imitation of Yiddish theater maven Molly Picon. You can find the podcast via its links page or simply search for it on your podcast app of choice.
Panel 1: Claudia sitting back in her cabin writing a letter at a tiny desk.
CAPTION – PSEUDO-NARRATION (1): Within a few hours, the arrangements are made.
Translation (1): Innerhalb weniger Stunden sind alle Vorbereitungen getroffen.
CAPTION – PSEUDO-NARRATION (2): Claudia writes one last letter to her academic advisor, thanking her for her support.
Translation (2): Claudia schreibt einen letzten Brief an ihre akademische Beraterin und dankt ihr für ihre Unterstützung.
Panel 2: Claudia taking a capsule from Hiram in his shipboard lab.
Hiram (3): It has been recalibrated…
Translation (3): Sie wurde neu kalibriert…
Claudia (4): And if you got it wrong this time, I swear I will return from my watery grave and drag you back down with me.
Translation (4): Wenn Sie es dieses mal wieder versaut haben, dann schwöre ich Ihnen, stehe ich aus meinem Wassergrab auf und hole Sie zu mir nach unten.
Panel 3: Claudia walking down a narrow ship’s corridor, with Turpentine behind her.
Turpentine (5): We cannot emphasize enough how much your sacrifice is appreciated, Dr. Honeywood…
Translation (5): Wir können gar nicht genug betonen, wie sehr wir Ihr Opfer zu schätzen wissen, Dr. Honeywood…
Claudia (6): Kindly go fuck yourself, Eustace.
Translation (6): Ach, ficken Sie sich doch, Eustace.
Panel 4: Claudia walking out on deck. She’s fully clothed, wearing the same skirt and button-down blouse combination she was wearing when she came aboard the RV Seagoon. A few sailors with hang-dog expressions look on.
Claudia (7): You all are going to have to get your peep-show somewhere else today.
Translation (7): Ihr müsst euch eure Stripshow heute wohl irgendwo anders suchen, Jungs.
Panel 1: An imagined future panel showing Claudia carrying a cardboard box of her possessions out of an office building, escorted by a pair of security guards.
CAPTION – CLAUDIA NARRATING (1): I’ll be blackballed everywhere. My hard-earned career in science will be over.
Translation (1): Ich werde nicht mehr dazugehören. Meine hart erarbeitete Karriere in der Forschung wird vorbei sein.
CAPTION – CLAUDIA NARRATING (2): That’s how things work, especially since the advent of the latest…administration.
Comment (2): “Administration” here is a way of suggesting “presidential administration,” which is that the government of the United States is culturally retrograde, probably biased against the interests of professional women and in favor of those of the very rich.
Translation (2): So laufen die Dinge nunmal, vor allem seit dem Antritt der neuen…Regierung.
Panel 2: Claudia back in the galley, brushing a strand of hair our of her eyes.
Claudia (3): And while I might not have Daphne Bosselseg’s heroic attitude about such matters, just like her, I am sure I’d rather be dead than spend a lifetime eking out a living in the twenty first-century service economy.
Translation (3): Und auch wenn ich nicht über Daphne Bosselsegs heldenhafte Einstellung in dieser Angelegenheit verfüge, wäre ich doch lieber tot, als mein restliches Leben in der Dienstleistungsgesellschaft des 21. Jahrhunderts zu fristen.
Panel 3: Claudia taking a sip of coffee.
Unseen interviewer (out-of-panel balloon) (4): You’re not seriously thinking of giving in to them, are you?
Translation (4): Sie denken doch nicht wirklich darüber nach, nachzugeben, oder?
Claudia (5): Well, why not?
Translation (5): Naja, warum nicht?
Panel 4: Claudia making a forced smile.
Claudia (6): Feed lots of hungry children, buy lots of mosquito nets, get my name on an eldritch horror…
Translation (6): Hungernde Kinder ernähren, haufenweise Moskitonetze kaufen, mein Name in Verbindung mit diesem Horror…
Claudia (7): And go out with a real bang.
Translation (7): Und dann mein Abgang mit einem echten Knall.
Panel 1: Claudia sitting alone in the ship’s galley with a cup of coffee, which she is staring at pensively.
CAPTION – PSEUDO-NARRATION (1): After a few days’ standoff, Claudia agrees to speak with us, but not with the ship’s crew.
Translation (1): Mit einigen Tagen Abstand hat Claudia zugestimmt, mit uns zu reden, aber ohne die Schiffscrew.
Panel 2: Closer-in on Claudia.
Claudia (2): The problem is that they’re right. Aside from their two volunteers, I’m the only one they can access in time. There are other women, but they don’t know the right protocols.
Translation (2): Das Problem ist, dass sie recht haben. Außer den beiden Freiwilligen bin ich die einzige, die geeignet ist. Es gibt andere Frauen, aber sie kennen den Ablauf nicht.
Panel 3: Claudia looking to one side, holding her cup of coffee between her two hands.
Claudia (3): It won’t be other people’s fuckups that anyone will remember. What everyone will remember will be that bitch who wouldn’t play ball and disappointed a very rich man.
Translation (3): Die Leute werden sich nicht an die Fehlschläge der anderen erinnern, sondern an diese Schlampe, die nicht den Mumm hatte, die Welt zu verändern.
Panel 4: Claudia looking down into her coffee cup.
Claudia (4): Like it or not, that’s how people will see it.
Translation (4): So werden es die Leute sehen, ob es mir gefällt oder nicht.
Panel 1: Turpentine facing the door, speaking to it.
Turpentine (1): At this point, the expedition simply cannot succeed without you. There just isn’t anyone else with the right…attributes, and it will be nineteen more years before anyone has another chance.
Translation (1): An diesem Punkt kann die Expedition ohne Sie einfach kein Erfolg warden. Es ist sonst niemand hier mit den richtigen…Attributen, und wir müssen sonst wieder neunzehn Jahre warten, bis wir erneut eine Chance haben.
Panel 2: Turpentine still facing the door, with his hands up in a pleading gesture.
Turpentine (2): In recognition of what we’re asking of you, the species will be named after you. Gynophagos honeywoodiae. How does that sound?
Comment (2): The Linnean “species name” Gynophagos honeywoodiae should be left in the original Latin, unless it is the custom among professional biologists using your target language to render it otherwise.
Translation (2): In Anerkennung Ihrer Leistung, um die wir Sie bitten, wird die Spezies nach Ihnen benannt werden. Gynophagos honeywoodiae. Wie klingt das?
Panel 3: Claudia still on her bunk. This is another “surveillance video” panel. In this panel Claudia’s eyes are in an angry squint The precise nature of this squint should be drawn as distinctively as possible and noted (thus as the “Angry Squint”) as it will reappear in another context below.
Claudia (3): Fuck off!
Comment (3): “Fuck off” is a vulgar and rude way in English to tell someone to go away, but one perhaps appropriate under these circumstances.
Köder (Deutsch/Langseitige Version) 
