Ooh look! My first clueless marketing email!

gōngxǐ fācái! 恭喜发财!
Tax time

My blogfather Bacchus over at ErosBlog has a long and distinguished tradition of using his blog to make fun of clueless and otherwise problematical marketing emails he receives in his role of master of ErosBlog.  So it gives me particular pleasure to be the recipient, just today, of one of the same.

Now I must confess that this one wasn’t particularly awful, at least by the hilariously-awful standards of some that Bacchus has written about, but still it left me wondering “do you folks ever look, for like five or ten seconds maybe, at the sites you’re sending mail to?”

After an introduction to “Dear EMS,” our intrepid publicity person — let’s call her Casting Lady — explains that she is the casting assistant for a new television series (guess that’s my punishment for putting up screenplays) and inquires:

Wondering if you might be able to help further broadcast our current casting search to your fans and subscriber base?

Well, I’m certainly not anti-commerce or anti-entertainment, and given how hard it is to get a break in acting, I suppose that if I knew of anyone in the EroticMadScience universe who I could help hook up with a job, I would certainly want to help out, but reading on I find out that

We’re looking for women who are struggling with an intimacy addiction and are trying to maintain their “perfect image” on a daily basis.

I’m sure you have a ton of questions

A few maybe, such as

  • When it comes to intimacy issues, are you interested only in women who are into intimacy only with other human beings, or do passionate relationships with with alien tentacle beasts count as well? and;
  • What about women who effortlessly maintain their “perfect images” on a really permanent basis?

Unfortunately the website to which the Casting Lady directed me (sorry, I won’t link because I don’t believe in encouraging marketing cluelessness) wasn’t terribly enlightening.  There I was cheekily asked

Do you have a secret addiction or obsession that’s forcing you to live a double life? We want to know your stories.

Wow!  Do I ever have a manifesto for you guys to read!  Oh, wait…guess you couldn’t be bothered the first time.

Imagine living your picture-perfect life. By day, you are a beautiful, talented and ambitious 20-something. But at night, everything changes— you give in to temptation, to the dark side of yourself. You keep your secret from co-workers, family and friends. You enjoy the duality and the excitement that accompanies your obsession but you do know, it’s a dangerous game.

From context I think they mean beautiful, talented, etc. 20-something women, although perhaps I’m wrong about this.  I don’t think so, though, because that’s all that seems to be depicted in the pictures on their page.

Well ladies and gentlemen,  I think you can pretty well infer than I’m not a 20-something woman.  Intelligent and sensitive people in command of all the relevant facts can disagree in good faith about how beautiful, talented, and ambitious I am.  (That I am obsessive we can all agree, yes?)  But unless Vinnie Tesla manages to get that ol’ Ontological Engine all cranked up, I don’t have much prospect of becoming a 20-something Ultra Babe with a Dark Secret, not that that might not be fun.

Seriously, marketers.  Have a look at the damn site before you email.  Or I really will have to mock you openly…

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